Tropical Storm Isaac

"The wind in the wires made a tattletale sound, and a wave broke over the railing"... not!  Here at Feral Cove we're only getting some light rain showers and the odd gust of wind... if this be what the kids today call a tropical storm, then Captain Jack has naught but contempt fer 'em!  Landlubbers!

Waldo Kitty

Farewell, my dear friend Waldo... Captain Jack will meet you at the Rainbow Bridge, should he be found worthy when all is said and done.  I love you, buddy.

Meet the crew!

Name:  Joseph, a.k.a. "Joey Boy"

Rank:  Chief Lookout

Ethnicity:  Lilac-point Siamese

Anyone who has ever captained a pirate ship knows that you've got to have a reliable lookout in the crow's nest to warn you when there are enemy vessels heaving into view, or when a renegade island, iceberg, or continent is on a collision course with your ship, thanks to the effects of excess rum (damn those drunken continents... there ought to be a law!)  That said, Captain Jack is blessed to have Joey Boy's sharp eyes scanning the horizon from the top of the mainmast... what, me worry?  I should cocoa!

Riddle me this, mateys...

Go ye to any establishment that sells "cat food," examine the selection offered, and think about these questions:

How many cats do you know who have taken down a full grown cow?

How many cats do you know who have taken down a turkey, or even a chicken?

How many cats do you know who have scored a tuna from a deep sea fishing boat?

How many cats do you know who have successfully swiped a salmon from a rushing mountain stream?

Not many, Captain Jack wagers.

So why do the major cat food manufacturers offer flavours like "beef", "chicken", "turkey", "salmon", and "tuna and ocean whitefish?"  No feral cat around these parts would be familiar with such things!  Surely "Citrus Rat Surprise", "Lizard Kebabs", "Cockroach Clusters", and "Gecko Fritters" would be far more suitable for the local feral market... but then again Captain Jack is only captain of a pirate ship, and not a captain of industry.

Fester

Four years ago today we lost a dear friend and dedicated crewmember, at the all-too-young age of eleven.  Fester came aboard when Mad Bess and myself made a brief stop in the Canadian Maritimes, and during his years sailing with us he showed nothing but compassion and caring toward his shipmates.  He was a unique combination of chaplain, counselor, physician, gormless lovable lug, and just an all-around good egg, wanting to befriend everyone he met, cuddling and comforting any crewmate who was poorly (even the ones who had been mean to him in the past) and never without a cheery "Hello!" to all who crossed his path.  Fester, you have a special place in Captain Jack's heart, and (with tears falling upon the ship's keyboard now) I can honestly say that our loss is Heaven's gain.  I miss you, buddy.

Meet the crew!

Name:  Jessminder "Jessie" Jamieson

Rank:  Chief Box Inspector

Ethnicity:  Tuxedo

The thing about boxes is, you never know if they contain treasure until you inspect them.  In the pirate world, this is very important:  After all, if it weren't for treasure, we freebooters would pretty much all be greeting shoppers at Wal-Mart, flipping burgers at McDonald's, or hanging around the local Manpower office holding cardboard signs that say, "Will work halfheartedly for rum."  (Not that there is anything wrong with that!)  So if you command a pirate ship, as Captain Jack does, it makes good financial sense to employ a professional box inspector who takes her job seriously, and that describes our Jessie to a nicety.  If a box appears from anywhere, you can count on her to seize it and inspect the living daylights out of it.  Just look at the grim determination on her face... that box isn't going to get away with anything, on her watch!  Now there's a crewman that Captain Jack can count on!

Happy Birthday to First Mate Mad Bess!

And what better way to celebrate a true pirate's birthday than raiding a thrift shop, an Indian restaurant, AND a liquor store, all in one crazy evening?  Our first victim was Last Chance, whence we came away with posh raiments, tasteful fake candles, a fancy jewelry box, smart picture frame mattes, a pair of dancing shoes, a pair of monkey slippers (i.e. slippers that make it look like you're wearing real monkeys on your feet), a genuine Turbo Cooker ("As seen on TV!") and a couple of cat food bowls.  Oh, and a bath mat set.  All at half price thanks to the coupon that Bess clipped from the local paper... sweet!

On our way home to Feral Cove we pillaged some delicious food from Bawarchi Indian restaurant, and then set our sights on B-21 Wines and Liquors where we scored some bargain-priced beverages... not a bad birthday for a pirate, eh, Bess?  :)

Happy Birthday, Snooty!

Today is the 64th birthday of Snooty, the world's oldest known manatee... as a fellow Florida native and seagoing creature, Captain Jack wishes Snooty all the best!  Interestingly, today's scientists blame the mermaid sightings of yesteryear on drunk pirates (Drunk?!! Well I never!!!) mistaking manatees like Snooty for Darryl Hannah... Captain Jack is no scientist, so he will leave it up to you, me hearties, to debate the validity of that theory.

Separated at birth?

Kitty Wells

Captain Jack has a day off work tomorrow so he was staying up listening to a Status Quo CD, as is his wont.  But then "Wild Side of Life" came on, and he recalled that Kitty Wells (who originally recorded the song in 1952 as "It Wasn't God Who Made Honkytonk Angels") died on Monday at the age of 92. Another legend gone... very sad.

How not to sound like a landlubber

It has come to Captain Jack's attention that some of you may not be familiar with the proper pronunciation of certain nautical/pirate terms.  With "Talk Like a Pirate Day" fast approaching (September 19) I'll periodically be posting helpful hints and tips, starting today...

Boatswain:  Pronounced "Bosun" (NOT "boat-swayn"), i.e. the fellow in charge of assigning day to day tasks to the crew and seeing that they accomplish them, or else!

Forecastle:  Pronounced "Foxl" (NOT "fawr-cassull"), i.e. the part of the ship forward of the foremast, typically used for crews' quarters.

Coxswain:  Pronounced "Coxn" (NOT "cock-swayn"), i.e. the fellow in charge of any small boat the Captain chooses to send off on an "away team" mission.

And don't even get Captain Jack started on folk who say "lee-wurrd" instead of "luw'rd" when they're talking about the opposite of windward...!

Happy Birthday, Nikola!

July 10th is the 156th birthday of Captain Jack's favourite inventor and engineer, Nikola Tesla, a.k.a. the Master of Lightning.  Described by his fans on cracked.com as, "Celibate, yet surprisingly doable," Mr. Tesla (an ethnic Serb from Croatia) pretty much invented or at least laid the groundwork for most of the things that make life awesome today:  An efficient means of generating alternating current and transmitting it over long distances (suck it, Edison!), the first real wireless radio (suck it, Marconi!), x-ray machines (suck it, Roentgen!), fluorescent lighting, neon lighting, robotics, remote controls, an efficient telephone signal repeater system, the basis for logic gates and radar, and pioneering work into the wireless transmission of electricity that is still being explored to this day (the US government confiscated all his personal files when he died and none of them have been seen since, which makes it a bit difficult for those trying to follow in his footsteps) and 700-odd other patents.  Thanks to corporate coverups and intrigue (I'm looking at you, Thomas Alva Edison!) he's only just recently getting the recognition he deserves for his contributions to science; several young supermarket cashiers have in the past few months assured me that the schools are indeed FINALLY teaching kids about Tesla... nearly 70 years after his death!  Better late than never, I guess.  Not only that, but during his childhood his best friend was his cat Macak (they even had actual adventures, like Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn!) and he was a fellow vegetarian and bird lover just like Captain Jack... in fact, when he died, his beloved pigeons were the only ones at his bedside.  We love you, Nik!  Happy 156th!

"Hey, baby.  Wanna check out my death ray machine?"

The wonderful world of international cuisine

For our tea tonight Mad Bess and myself had chips (or "French Fries" as we called them in my day) with Batchelors Mushy Peas.  Tinned mushy peas are a staple food group in Bess' native Yorkshire, and are yet another wondrous cultural thing that she opened your Captain's eyes (and taste buds) to, over the course of our relationship.  And if you're fortunate enough to live in the American southeast, you can easily find them on the "British shelf" at Publix.  Don't let the fluorescent blue-green colouring put you off, me hearties... just open the tin, nuke 'em, throw on a little mint sauce, and enjoy... it's a unique culinary experience!  Batchelors... ask for 'em by name!

"Luxury!"

The most kick-arse tribute to anyone in the history of ever

A few weeks ago Captain Jack lamented the passing of Eduard "Mr. Trololo" Khil, the so-called Perry Como of the Soviet Union.  Well, the amazing Trololo Man's spirit lives on in this mind-blowing heavy metal tribute by guitar shredder Eric Calderone... enjoy, mateys!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1CFnM4SYQC8&feature=relmfu

Happy Fourth of July, Mateys!

Ah, the day we Americans celebrate overthrowing the government!  Now that be Captain Jack's kind of holiday!



Meet the crew!

Name:  Baby Sidney, a.k.a. "Hissing Sid"

Rank:  Boatswain

Ethnicity:  Seal-point Siamese

Ladies and gents, this is the man who keeps Captain Jack's crew focused on their day to day duties.  He's a level-headed and fair-minded chap, but look into his eyes... you don't want to cross him, do you?  No... you don't!  Captain Jack runs a tight ship, and it's in no small part thanks to Baby Sidney and his "people skills"...!  Step out of line and you'll get a bat round yer lug 'ole!

Baby Sidney appeared on our doorstep here at Feral Cove some years ago, as nothing more than a tiny wee bairn, and a sickly one at that.  Mad Bess and myself took him in, bottle-fed him, and he grew up big and strong... though he had a tendency to hiss at folk, which is why Bess called him "Hissing Sid" after a television character (a puppet snake, I believe) from her childhood. 

When our old boatswain and dear friend, Mister Snoopy Noodles, was on his final bed o'fliction at the age of seventeen, Bess asked me who I thought would take over for him.  I answered without hesitation that it would be Sidney.  At the time, she thought me mad!  "But he's only a baby," she exclaimed!  I however had observed Mister Noodles spending time with Baby Sidney, accepting him into his "personal space" and bonding with him... maybe it's a "guy thing," but Captain Jack had no doubt whatsoever who his next boatswain would be.

Mister Noodles left you some damn big gumboots to fill, Baby Sidney, but Captain Jack says you not only stepped up to the plate, but hit that sucker out of the park... you're a good man, my friend!

Self-medicating: It's the pirate way!

If you're anything like Captain Jack, then you've got plenty of experience with the wonder drug known as penicillin, or its modern cousin, amoxicillin.  How that experience was gained is not the issue (nor will it ever be -- what happens in the Caribbean stays in the Caribbean, am I right, mateys?!)  Our topic tonight is the practical application of that knowledge, for the triple purposes of helpin' your loyal crew, savin' your doubloons, and stickin' it to The Man... noble goals, all of them!

You see, Mad Bess and myself sail with a motley but lovable band of misfits... Maine Coons, Siameses, tabbies, torties, Russian Blues, and every kind of halfbreed you can think of... they're a good and faithful crew, and Captain Jack would gladly walk the plank or stand the drop of York for any man-jack of them, no messin'.  Occasionally though, even the best of them falls ill to ailments such as upper respiratory infections, toothaches, and what have you -- piratin' is a stressful business, you see!  And these landlubber veterinarians want a hook-hand, a peg-leg, and a glass eye in exchange for a prescription for antibiotics... the lily-livered shysters.  Well, as Mad Bess would say in her native Yorkshire tongue, "Sod that for a game of soldiers!"

What's to be done, you may ask?  Two words, mateys:  "FishMox" and "gelcaps."  FishMox is merely amoxicillin for fishies... you can buy it online without a prescription, and one capsule provides four cat doses.  "But how do I split it into four cat doses, Captain Jack?"  Simple.  Either go to Amazon or your local health food store and buy a bag of size-0 gelcaps, and divide a FishMox capsule equally into four gelcaps (don't feed your crewmate the original FishMox capsule... it will, ahem, pass right through him/her without dissolving... don't ask Captain Jack how he knows this...)  This method also allows you to add any other medication your fellow sailor may need, all in one convenient beef-flavoured gelcap... with no $55 "office visit" fee to deplete your rum fund!  You're welcome!!!

The delightful Indonesian House Gecko

Ah, the world of Nature... those of you unfortunate enough to live outside the Tropics may not be familiar with this benevolent yet idiotic little reptile... he does his best to rid Captain Jack's windows of those pesky moths (ZOOM... CHOMP!!!  "Moth?  What moth?") but Mad Bess and myself have to make a great show of bashing away at the door every time we want to go outdoors after dark, so he runs away and doesn't accidentally get himself crushed in the door frame when we shut the door behind us... there has been some unpleasantness in the past, and that's enough said about that... :(  Any road up, we love you, little gecko... you're way more awesome than that stupid Geico gecko on TV! 

"Hi there!"

Tropical Storm Debby

Furl the mains'ls, batten down the hatches, and deploy the sea anchor, bosun Sidney... there be squalls ahead!  Aye, mateys, we've got a tropical storm right offshore... and if you're a pirate like me then you know what that means:  Break out the rum, crisps, and dip, because it's hurricane-party time!  (Yes, Captain Jack knows that a tropical storm is technically not QUITE a hurricane, but that could change at any moment, so it's best to be prepared just in case... it's known as preemptive partying... a classic pirate tactic!)

Stickin' it to The Man!

If you're anything like Captain Jack, then you get great satisfaction from victories (small as they may be) against the powers that be.  Well, this evening Mad Bess and myself feasted upon two Veggie Delite sandwiches from Subway... FREE OF CHARGE!!!  T'was all thanks to your Captain's finding an inappropriate metallic casting in his sandwich a few weeks back... Subway's southeastern US regional manager said, "Give that pirate captain and his wench a free footlong sub each, and be quick about it!"  And by gods and by damn, that is exactly what they did!  Nom nom nom nom nom...

Eduard "Mister Trololo" Khil dead at 77

They called him the Perry Como of the Soviet Union, and now he is crooning in Heaven ... but as long as Captain Jack has breath in his lungs, his blog will have a link to the immortal Trololo Man...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1orMXD_Ijbs