"Captain Jack, why do pirates wear those badass eye patches anyway?"

There seems to be a common rumour amongst the landlubbers that we pirates are for some reason clumsily poking our eyes out at a ratio higher than that of the general population, requiring eye patches to hide our disfigurement from the ladies when we're ashore (or certain gentlemen if that be what buoys yer vessel... the Captain doesn't judge.)  It's as if they think we spend all our recreational hours at sea drinking copious amounts of rum and then running around recklessly with scissors.  Which we totally don't... well, not ALL the time at any rate, but that's not the point.  The point is, anyone who knows anything about pirating knows that you keep one eye covered so that when you board your enemy's ship in broad daylight and then go below decks to seek out their gold doubloons and delicious baked goods, you just flip your eye patch to the other eye, and boom!  You've got an eye already accustomed to the darkness, so the scurvy dogs can't blindside ya!  [citation needed]  Pure pirate genius, yarrrr?  And, well, you have to admit it DOES look pretty badass...!